Tattoo and mental health

have recently decided to have a couple of tattoos commissioned. Now, this may seem a surprising topic for what is essentially a blog on mental health, but bear with me… it does have a connection and something I have been thinking about for a while so please do not jump off the sofa and go and get one yourself, after all they should mean something o you and be something you really want as it is with you the rest of your life… much like my battle with depression.

And I suppose that is the first connection, much like depression these two pieces will be with me for the rest of my life. So whilst I have had two commissioned, one of which that has started, it is the one I haven’t started yet that I will begin with. This piece is going to be a fallen angel. I am not particularly religious although I have sought solace from religious texts in the past. The choice is the image it conveys, a fallen man/angel with his wings hiding his face and body. This is a reminder of the illness I face, a lot of the shape and feeling clearly represents what depression is to me, shame, hiding away, alone, dark. These are all emotions that come with being depressed. Some people have told me that it is not a good idea and question he reason, but contextualising it and accepting it is there has actually helped my healing, helped my wellbeing and reminds me to be vigilant to ensure that scenario comes to pass.

The second piece is far more inspiring and positive. It is a phoenix rising from the fire/ashes. Quite simply this reminds me that it will pass. I will come out of a spell of depression stronger, reborn much like how the mythical beast dies and rebirths in the flame. It is a piece of hope for when I am next in that spell. Each time I have been through a severe depressive episode I have come back stronger, more resilient and having learnt a lot about myself. And I suppose that is why I want it, when you are in that spell it really is hard to remind yourself that it will get better, that you can get out of it, which is why I want it right there. A lot of people will not get or realise the symbolism, they are just two pieces of beautiful art, but to me and now to anyone reading this they are so much more.

Mental health and I

I was struggling to come up with something to blog about as a second go, there is so much that can be said and spoken about around areas of mental health and how it affects day to day life, so much so that it can be hard to just focus on one area. One area I will be blogging about in the near future is around mental health and relationships, however, a common thing people ask me when they find out is – what is it like.
 
This can be very tricky to answer, there are an abundance of symptoms that GP’s will look for in an initial diagnosis but it doesn’t mean you will suffer with each one. In reality if we take something like depression it can be very different for each person. A quick search on depression listed over 30 different symptoms covering physical and psychological – many of which I have personally never had to deal with. It also is not a diagnosis that came about easily, in reality when we looked over my long term medical records there were 5 ‘episodes’ that they would now determine to be depressive episodes. I also didn’t help myself in the past by taking myself off medication.
 
It is not something I live with on a constant basis – although managing it does take constant work in things like mindfulness, medication and talking therapy, I am acutely aware now that if I do not take my medication I can feel a change in my mental state. When an episode does appear I usually go through the same symptoms. I do not find joy in anything, I am a keen rugby player and when I am well I enjoy work. These two areas of joy are sucked from me, so much so that I cannot physically bring myself to do either. This is not just about being tired, but feeling hopeless, with the voice in your head telling you that you are not good enough, that anything you do will ultimately fail – and so I retreat to my room and my bed and I don’t move. I am not ashamed to admit that during these bouts I will just break down in tears, for no reason at all – which is not something I am used to. These are just a couple of the tell-tale signs that I am in depressive episode, but when it gets really bad the scary part of depression comes out, it is the suicidal thoughts, the planning and the self-harm that shows me how dangerous depression is – I have felt all of these within the past 18 months. The last major depressive episode started last October and probably did not end until late January, it took a whole load of will power and fight to get out of that, and also help from other people. Sadly, though during this period I missed out on a lot, I ruined relationships and treated people in a way I do not like to look back on. However, that is the past and I cannot dwell on it. What it has reminded me about is how indiscriminate an illness this is, it has also shown me that I should not be afraid to seek help and to talk to people. We men are not always the best at seeking help and that is probably why we see these horrific stats around male suicides.
 
I am not perfect, there are times in the past where I could have done more to help myself, I could have gone to a GP sooner, I could have spoken to friends sooner, I could have opened up to my ex sooner and my family. Had I done these I may have been at this point in my life a lot sooner. I am under no illusions; I expect depression to rear its ugly head again, the difference will be how I deal with it from now on – knowledge of the symptoms helps, and some of the scars I have from past bouts help to remind me that things will get better and to stay on top of my mental and physical health

Mental health and sport

Sport and Mental Health seems a good first topic to blog about, in recent years we have seen more sports men and women come to the fore to say that they have suffered some form of mental illness at some time or the other. Sport can be a catalyst for positive and negative influences in a person’s mental health, but I would prefer to speak of the positives. (Apologies if it becomes a bit incoherent it is my first go and publishing a blog!)
 
As someone keen on sports and an amateur rugby player sport has been a big influence on my mental wellbeing – something I have been very open about over the past 9 months or so. I could recite pages of scientific explanations as to what sport does to the brain and the chemicals that it releases but I would prefer to look at other aspects, as there have been times when I have been depressed that I have not physically been able to train or play and yet rugby still had a positive influence for me.
Firstly, role models. The Rugby Players Association has recently released a campaign called ‘Lift The Weight’ which focusses on mental health – this has been a long time coming with high profile players like Duncan Bell, Gareth Thomas and the referee Nigel Owens having spoken about their issues in the past. It is not only rugby stars who have opened up about their mental health issues Freddie Flintoff, Jonathan Trott, Marcus Trescothick (all cricket), The Rock (WWE), Ricky Hatton (Boxing), Paul Gascoigne, Stan Collymore, Gary Speed Robert Enke (all football). It just goes to show that no matter how much we rate these people as heroes and superstars they still suffer the same issues as we that look up to them, sadly some of these stars never got the help that is needed in these situations and are sadly no longer with us, which is the ultimate tragedy of mental health. I will stick down the rugby line though, recently a particular video came out in this campaign by Jono Kitto who plays for the team I support Leicester Tigers – hearing him talk about his own issues, as someone I look up to it gave me the fight to want to get back to my rugby club and play again, it also made me realise that the same people we look up to as heroes and role models are the same as you and I, and potentially have the same demons. Sport has a role to play in opening up the conversation on mental health and showing people they are not alone and a few of those brave people have made that conversation come about and I thank them for it, the more they talk the more ‘normal’ it becomes (gosh I hate that word!). Still a way to go to beat some of the stigma but at least we have made a start.
 
Secondly and most importantly for me, whilst I was unable to physically play rugby or even train at times it was possible for me to get some positive output from being a part of a rugby club. Obviously as I got back into it I got the positives from exercising and the chemicals that released. When I wasn’t ready for that sport gave me somewhere to be, I could watch the team, I could be a part of the club and support still and ultimately when I opened up I found there were others who shared some of my demons. There was always someone on hand to talk, there was always someone with a positive word to say. The biggest one of all, nobody treated me any differently when I opened up about my mental health issues, there was never anyone standing on eggshells around me and there was nobody making derogatory comments. In a macho / banter culture it can be easy for people to throw words around without thinking about the implication but I never found issue with it. The fact I can be that open about things is hugely important to me as I cannot be that open at work about it, there is still a stigma attached to it in a corporate environment and I am still wary of being treated differently or workloads being reduced if I were to be too open.
Ultimately to some people it does not seem a lot, but when you can’t physically get out of bed, are scared to go outside and in the deepest hole possible small things like these can slowly and step by step help you to get back to the person you are. I am still not there myself, but Rugby is helping me to make each day a little bit easier.
 
In the future I may publish more specific bits on my mental health, how I live with it, what it is to me specifically, but for now I am happy just testing the water of the blogging world!

Sport and Mental Health

Sport and Mental Health seems a good first topic to blog about, in recent years we have seen more sports men and women come to the fore to say that they have suffered some form of mental illness at some time or another. Sport can be a catalyst for positive and negative influences in a person’s mental health, but I would prefer to speak of the positives. (Apologies if it becomes a bit incoherent it is my first go and publishing a blog!)
 
As someone keen on sports and an amateur rugby player sport has been a big influence on my mental wellbeing – something I have been very open about over the past 9 months or so. I could recite pages of scientific explanations as to what sport does to the brain and the chemicals that it releases but I would prefer to look at other aspects, as there have been times when I have been depressed that I have not physically been able to train or play and yet rugby still had a positive influence for me.
Firstly, role models. The Rugby Players Association has recently released a campaign called ‘Lift The Weight’ which focusses on mental health – this has been a long time coming with high profile players like Duncan Bell, Gareth Thomas and the referee Nigel Owens having spoken about their issues in the past. It is not only rugby stars who have opened up about their mental health issues Freddie Flintoff, Jonathan Trott, Marcus Trescothick (all cricket), The Rock (WWE), Ricky Hatton (Boxing), Paul Gascoigne, Stan Collymore, Gary Speed Robert Enke (all football). It just goes to show that no matter how much we rate these people as heroes and superstars they still suffer the same issues as we that look up to them, sadly some of these stars never got the help that is needed in these situations and are sadly no longer with us, which is the ultimate tragedy of mental health. I will stick down the rugby line though, recently a particular video came out in this campaign by Jono Kitto who plays for the team I support Leicester Tigers – hearing him talk about his own issues, as someone I look up to it gave me the fight to want to get back to my rugby club and play again, it also made me realise that the same people we look up to as heroes and role models are the same as you and I, and potentially have the same demons. Sport has a role to play in opening up the conversation on mental health and showing people they are not alone and a few of those brave people have made that conversation come about and I thank them for it, the more they talk the more ‘normal’ it becomes (gosh I hate that word!). Still a way to go to beat some of the stigma but at least we have made a start.
 
Secondly and most importantly for me, whilst I was unable to physically play rugby or even train at times it was possible for me to get some positive output from being a part of a rugby club. Obviously as I got back into it I got the positives from exercising and the chemicals that released. When I wasn’t ready for that sport gave me somewhere to be, I could watch the team, I could be a part of the club and support still and ultimately when I opened up I found there were others who shared some of my demons. There was always someone on hand to talk, there was always someone with a positive word to say. The biggest one of all, nobody treated me any differently when I opened up about my mental health issues, there was never anyone standing on eggshells around me and there was nobody making derogatory comments. In a macho / banter culture it can be easy for people to throw words around without thinking about the implication but I never found issue with it. The fact I can be that open about things is hugely important to me as I cannot be that open at work about it, there is still a stigma attached to it in a corporate environment and I am still wary of being treated differently or workloads being reduced if I were to be too open.
Ultimately to some people it does not seem a lot, but when you can’t physically get out of bed, are scared to go outside and in the deepest hole possible small things like these can slowly and step by step help you to get back to the person you are. I am still not there myself, but Rugby is helping me to make each day a little bit easier.
 
In the future I may publish more specific bits on my mental health, how I live with it, what it is to me specifically, but for now I am happy just testing the water of the blogging world!